To bag or not to bag?

Tomorrow morning I'll be competing, er, participating in the LA Triathlon. Didn't make it below a deuce but compared to last year I'm 20+ lbs lighter so that's a good thing.

One other thing that had me thinking a lot this week was the idea of going back on what I said last month and signing up for the Clydesdale division like last year. Despite being a member of the husky group, my time on the bike was good enough to crack the top 20 in the elite category.

Now, at a fly weight 207, I started having thoughts of grandeur. I could be the skinniest heavyweight and rule up on the Clydesdales because I did really well as an even tubbier bitch last year. Seriously, the level of comprehension needed to figure out the twisted logic of sandbagging the Clydesdales is a job only Carl Sagan can do. And he's dead.

Ultimately, I realized I've never been on to play in the sand so bucked up and registered with the skinny folk. We'll see how it goes tomorrow.

At least I'll have less backfat hanging out this year and if things go well, I won't get into a rasslin' match with my wet suit which ended with me covered in sand from head to toe looking like a giant powdered donut.

Note the backfat and residual sand.

Backfat is back...

No really, the backfat is back.

Um, what really can I do to get you up to speed on where I've been the last three months? The long boring, semi-complicated story is that I was just very busy; but do you know what would be much better?

A montage! Yes! Everything looks better as a montage.

Went on a snacking rampage.


Ate some pie. A lot of pie.


Drank enough Old Style to keep the Heilman kids in college.


Got a sweet new shirt.


Cheated death. Or at least avoided mild disaster.

Yeah, there'll be regular updates once again. Gotta start getting semi-serious about dropping the lbs once again. Signed up for the regular version of the LA Triathlon instead of the Clydesdale category just to try and step up the motivation.

We'll just have to see how that goes.

At this rate I'll be 199 by the 4th of July

Two weeks to lose 0.8lbs. Looks like it might be time to make the move to Air Crackers and Imaginary Cake.

Went racin' again this week and I'm starting to feel like I'm actually getting in shape. Funny how that works when you watch what you eat and ride with at least a semi-purpose.

Average wattage for the race was 279 only 3 watts less than last week but I felt much better- even finished close enough to smell the Top 10.

And on the bright side, I was able to not get taken to the woodshed by a 12 year-old so I've got that going for me.

I seriously think I've eaten cheeseburgers that weigh more than this kid.

On Mars .4lbs is like 20lbs.

Been a while since an update but hey, at least the good news is that while it might not be much (.4lbs in two weeks) at least we're a little little closer to the goal. At this torrid pace I should be there sometime before the end of the year. Let's hope not.

On the riding front is where the really good news can be found.

The last two weeks of racing have been the first two weeks where I've actually felt like I was racin' instead of just riding to survive. Guess that's what can happen if you start doing intervals on your own volition.

This week I didn't make it into a (failed) breakaway but I did spend the better part of an hour at the front of the peloton doing a big chunk of the work to chase down an 8 man break that just about stayed clear.

Trying to break the back of the peloton which was really more like giving it a noogie.

Despite feeling like my eyes were going to roll out of my head it felt good to be up at the front mixing it up. According to the ol' power meter, average wattage for the hour clocked in at a new record of 282 watts.

Maybe one of these days I'll develop an actual sprint.

"Charging" to the finish line. I'm the tubby guy hugging the curb on the far left.

Read it and weep, suckers...

Went racin' again last night and was able to launch not one but two failed breakaway attempts! Someone's starting to get in shape. Tee hee.

Average wattage for the hour race was a new record too- 250 watts.

Only 20 more to go...

Woke up officially 20lbs lighter. Been fighting a Chipotle' craving for 3 days too. Still, I think I cracked the code to losing weight. You just have to make sure you go to bed hungry.

Good News. Bad News. Blah News.

First the good news...

Now the bad news...

Gift from my dear mother. Good thing I have hungry friends who like to eat.

Now the Blah News...

Been jacked up with a cold for the last week thats forced me to become an annoying mouth breather. The only time I've been able to breathe through my nose this week was when I pinned on a number and went racin' yet again.

It's funny how pinning it in a 27 mph pace line will clear a stuffy head in no time.

Did my little trick of trying to combine and interval workout and a breakaway just like last weeks and the results were equally stellar. And by stellar I mean sad.

Made my little "attack" with what little juice I had and when I thought I put a nice amount of space between myself and the group, I decided to casually take a look behind me to admire my handiwork in blowing the field apart.

What I saw was a guy right on my wheel so I crane my neck just a little further to try and get a head count of how many lucky souls were privileged enough to hop on this juggernaut's wheel for a little breakaway action.

Yeah, upon further review it was obvious that the entire group of 75 or so was able to join in the fun.

Well at least I was able to dream for a few seconds.

And despite being sick I was able to average 244 watts for a solid hour. So that's a good thing.

Looks like I picked the wrong week to start doing intervals....

Two fun things happened in my little world yesterday.

1) My dear mother sent me an Easter basket so that meant I had jelly beans for lunch.

2) Did my first race of the season last night so that meant I nearly barfed up jelly beans for the first time ever.

Race went pretty well. Finished somewhere near the start of the middle and even felt cagey enough to attempt a first lap breakaway. Took about 30 seconds of that valiant (foolish) effort to realize that race probably isn't the best time to try and do intervals for the first time in six months.

On the bright side, I was able to average 235.82 watts for an hour without dying and had a max of 1248.

Thank you sir. May I please have another?

I'm tellin' y'all its a SABOTAGE!!!

Here's were I was yesterday...

Not too shabby considering a weekend that featured mild laziness, a Fillet O'Fish and Shamrock Shake bender and an open bar/buffet.

The only problem is yesterday I do a favor for a buddy (No, it didn't involve finding a really good hiding spot for a dead hooker so don't ask) and here's how he repays me.

Aside from Nutty Buddies, that's pretty much the entire Little Debbie snack cake library.

I'm melting...

Still not skinny enough to keep from getting bounced out of the group like a basketball when the ride takes a turn uphill but I'm getting there.

Progress...

Before anyone asks, no I didn't have someone else stand on the scale. And yes, my right foot is on it. It's just out of the picture that's all.

The tubby kid got a gift from his sponsor...

That's right. Despite my highly un-aerodynamic backfat, the aerodynamic geniuses and all-round good folks at Hed saw fit to send me this cool jacket/jersey in addition to the sweet, sweet wheels I got back in September. Must be my bubbly personality.

Only 22.8lbs to lose and I'll be at the suggested weight limit of my Jet 50's. Until that magical day happens, they've been holding up just perfect.

A Saturday in Purgatory

I wonder how long it'd take a day dreaming Max Fischer to solve the following mathematical equation:

(1/2 bottle of wine + 1 sleeve of Thin Mints + 1 big glob of hummus + 1 handful of Sweet Tarts) x Guitar Hero III till 2am / (6:45am Start x 80miles/3500 feet of climbing)

If you've ever been close to what you just read in your own life you'll know the only possible answer is "A World of Pain."

Had way too late of a night with the neighbors followed by way too early of a morning with my bike riding friends.

I showed up with my iPod all charged up for what I was hoping would be a nice, relaxed morning of Long Slow Distance augmented with a pastry interval or two.

Instead I was greeted by half a dozen dudes in race shape snorting like a herd of bulls with nary an iPod in sight.

Right then and there I should have gone home and called it a day.

Instead, I grabbed by ankles like a fraternity pledge and accepted my fate. Didn't take long to get dropped on the first climb and by the time the second climb came to an end there was steam rising from my gut as if I were the little engine that couldn't.

It really was steaming. Use your imagination, sucka.

Few things in life are as joyous as spending a few hours get dropped over and over again. Since that's something I've grown accustomed to over the years, I really didn't have a problem with that.

What I did have a problem with was the market being out of Strawberry Croissants, the thought of which were the only thing that kept me pedaling for a good 25 miles. Talk about getting bit in the ass by the Karma Shark.

Oh well, I had it coming I guess. O.n the bright side, while I didn't wake up hungover I was pleasantly treated with somehow defying the laws of space and time by getting drunk all over again as I started sweating wine out my pores.At least that's how I think it happened.

Everyone Loves a Montage!

If I hadn't gotten sidetracked by food and beer I should be below 210 right now.

Last week my visiting buddy and rode close to 150 miles over a two day stretch and somehow I woke up heavier this morning. This montage might explain why...

Maybe an 83 mile ride shouldn't end at a deli

where sandwiches like these are on the menu.

Then there was the beer.

And the pie.

Good Times.

The Carol C. Special...

what's left of it anyway.

Have a buddy in town for the week and long story short, a person hasn't lived until they've dined at Roscoe's Chicken 'n Waffles.

Good thing the next two days have rides of 80+ miles on the agenda.

Waking up to Cupcakes...

Yeah, um, yeah, I really don't know what to say. Been a little distracted by frosting the moment I opened my eyes yesterday.

There's still a few of these homemade goodies kicking around the house. Maybe tonight I'll go on a cupcake bender so that I can start the weekend off with a junk food free household.

I wonder what (insert your favorite fitness guru here) would think of that plan.

It's pretty much the same thing I do when I buy a carton of ice cream. By some rather bizarre logic, to me it makes more sense to simply eat the whole thing at once just to get it out of the way rather than spreading out high caloric goodness over several days.

Taste the Rainbow

Sniff. Sad. And I did so good yesterday too.

Well almost.

Aside from the slice of artichoke and mystery meat pizza I had for breakfast, lunch and dinner consisted of a salad and a smoothie (an actual one with real fruit, not Jamba Juice).

But then I had to meet up with a friend and have a second dinner of a few pints of Guinness and a bag of Skittles.

And before you ask, no, I did not defile the Guinness by making Skittlebrau.

Baptismo del Fuego

(Back on the case like Charles Bronson.)

Had a pretty good little Saturday yesterday. Woke up before the crack of dawn to do the Montrose Ride with some friends. Last time I did any sort of "fast" group ride was back in November and since my December-mid January base training consisted of an extended stint on the Semi Pro Eating Circuit, the ride was definitely a wake up call to slide into a group of 200 riders,

Snapped this pic leaving a stoplight. I might be stupid but I'm not stupid enough to try taking a photo at speed in a paceline.

For two solid hours my lungs and legs were screaming "Ow quit it!" over and over and over again which is certainly not the mantra you want stuck in your head while in a 33mph paceline.

When it was all said in done, I got dropped on the final climb as usual but more importantly I was able to pull a nice impression of Lando Calrissian at the end of Return of the Jedi out of my ass.

Instead of narrowly escaping an exploding Death Star, I narrowly escaped a huge pile up when a random water bottle bounced out on a rough road. (Gotta love those carbon bottle cages!)

Just how close was I to the carnage? Close enough to get kicked in the thigh when the guy next to me was flying over the bars.

You know, now that I think about it, it wasn't my lack of fitness or portly weight that got me dropped on that final climb, it was the Charley Horse I got from other people crashing.

Yeah that's it.

In honor of Groundhog Day...

I've decided to repeat last week this week. Maybe things will change if I take up piano lessons, ice sculpting and buy some newlyweds tickets to Wrestlemania.

Got a couple of good rides planned for the weekend so maybe by this Monday I'll be where I should have been last Monday.

Back to Square 216...

Two days off the diet wagon and look what happens. It could have been worse though. Much worse. My girlfriend took her new crock pot for a test drive by making half a pig's worth of pulled pork last night.

Even though it smelled delicious and wasn't going to eat itself, I had to say no to the pulled pork and get back on track.

And if that didn't make matters worse enough, I had to go ahead and watch this video. Plans for the weekend included a lot of riding but now there's a little junk food devil on my shoulder telling me to take a road trip to see the Col-Pop in person.

Does this look anything like the montster from Cloverfield?

I wouldn't know because I have no interest in ever seeing a monster movie made with a shaky handi-cam.

If in fact it does look like the monster that decapitated the Statue of Liberty, then lucky me I'll feel even worse about what I did last night. A friend was in town for a signing of his latest book and being that is was a sports themed book there was an after party at a sports bar where dinner meant an order of 20 hot wings and a light and healthy dish called "The Heart Attack" which is pictured above.

And it's because of this heart attack I'll be spending the afternoon on the bike and licking the sweat off my face for lunch.

It's all Jack's fault...

Didn't have the heart to step on the scale today after eating a Ciabatta Breakfast Sandwich combo from Jack in the Box this morning.

On the bright side, I did wake up before the crack of dawn to do a sprint workout with some chums and broke 1100 watts for the first time.

Beef Jerky on my Pillow...

That's more like it.

This past weekend started with breakfast brownies and ended with the terrific news that the Beef Jerky Fairy paid a visit and left me a treat.

My favorite kind too. That Beef Jerky Fairy must trade secrets with Santa Claus.

In between was a nice 55 mile ride on Saturday.

Forgot to step on the scale this morning...

What can I say? I was distracted by this fresh plate of breakfast brownies my girlfriend woke my up with.

My big project for the weekend might just involve inventing an alarm clock that doesn't buzz, beep and/or squawk, but oozes smells cause waking up to the smell of brownies in the oven was much more enjoyable.

Shouldn't have had that second frozen yogurt...

or at least I should have gotten it without Cocoa Pebbles.

It's almost like Groundhog Day in January.

Thanks Sammie!

Last night when in need of dinner, I happened by a Quiznos to try of those new fangled Flatbread Sammies that are all the rage.

Thanks to seen them advertised on the TV every other minute for the couple weeks, I didn't need to see any of the nutritional information to know they were only 200 calories each.

I got a couple to go thinking Flatbread Sammies might be the perfect way to indulge without stuffing a foot of sandwich down my throat.

Well, when I got home, it didn't take long to realize how Quiznos is able to make a 200 calorie sandwich.

All you have to do is make that sandwich the size of a nickle.

Curvy Tuesday...

That's more like it.

In an effort to help my effort along, I took my life into my own hands by trying the new Curves Honey Crunch cereal.

Why those fitness centers are called Curves, I'll never know. Have you ever hung out by one? I have and it sure isn't pretty. Curves should really be renamed Lumps.

So here's the deal, I picked up a box of Curves Honey Crunch at the store the other night simply because it was on sale.

Was buying Curves Honey Crunch Cereal a mistake?

Was I a mistake?

The answer to both questions is a resounding yes, though my dear mother often refers to me as her favorite mistake.

I just ate half a bowl of Curves Honey Crunch Cereal and as I try to pick the crunchy bits out of my teeth these are the thoughts running through my head.

*If I eat another bowl, will my balls turn into ovaries?

*Why are my man boobs starting to feel extra soft?

*Ugh, this stuff is really starting to taste like a lesbian's ground up Birkenstock marinated with sweat from standing around at an all day Melissa Etheridge concert.

Long story short, I've got the breakfast cereal situation all set for houseguests.

Got the (chicken) finger(s)...

Slipped a little bit last night when I went to see Rambo (for the second time!) with some friends. Had a couple hands worth of chicken fingers, fries, hummus, and a couple Heinekens. Somehow though, my will power kicked in just in time to say no to chocolate cake.

Saying yes to hummus and no to chocolate cake makes me want to question my manhood.

Oh well, just gotta think of Schneider and take it one day at a time.

I really wish my pants were this sweet.